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Concerns about one spouse being too close to someone of the opposite sex, either at work or spending too much time on the phone with a particular person of the opposite sex are very common. Most people live in denial claiming, “It is not like I’m jealous or anything, I just don’t like how my husband or wife is close to so-and-so”. So the question I seek to answer is, is there a good and healthy jealousy to protect what you value or does jealousy only lead to disaster?
A Karachi-based business executive had reason to be jealous after his trusted wife of 20 years started working in a clinic in protest of his long working hours. Soon it became clear she was having an affair with a co-worker, and the marriage fell apart. “I believe a sort of euphoria and infatuation takes place between some people who work closely together,” says the executive. “What starts out as a co-worker relationship develops into a friendship, then a deep friendship, and then into a relationship.” If he could start over, he’d focus more on his marriage. He regrets travelling a lot for business. “It took me away from the family, you have to take the time to make sure the relationship is taken care of, even if it’s just sitting down to talk.”
Jealousy is a word we have all been too familiar with at one time or the other. It strikes in many relationships, especially among couples. Many accept that jealousy poses a significant problem in their relationship, ranging from loss of self-esteem, verbal abuse and rage-ridden arguments to the terror of being stalked. Jealousy as a form of pathology should also be taken into consideration. It is believed that extreme jealousy results from a major malfunction of the human mind and that normal people do not experience extreme or intense jealousy.
If your spouse is jealous of your friends, work or colleagues, the first thing that you should ask yourself is, why? It is possible that their childhood was laden with traumatic experiences that led to intense insecurities and those fears and trepidations have followed them into adulthood. Therefore, the insecurity has much more to do with their past than it does with you. While you should try to be compassionate about their feelings, you also have to understand that it is unfair for them to take out their troubled past on you and your marriage.
Certainly there is a suspiciously close correlation between the rise in women’s employment and their earning power |
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relative to that of men on the one hand, and the rise in marital breakdown on the other. Many women no longer need men to support them and their children financially. In addition, once out in the workplace, women whose marriages are not happy may find new and preferable partners. Going out to work may not increase conjugal unhappiness, but it certainly gives wives an easier way out. Where it is easier for a wife to stay at home and support her husband’s career, husbands find it harder to reciprocate the feelings in many cases and this leads to feelings of jealousy or insecurity among them. Working couples are becoming less compatible because of the inevitable professional jealousies and scheduling conflicts that can happen. “A lot of women have a hard time being themselves around men, who can’t accept working women as they have to be on their guard a bit or that they need to impress these guys,” remarks Erum, a media consultant.
Whatever its form, jealousy can take on many different faces and it can kill your relationship if it’s not managed appropriately. If you’re the one who’s afflicted with jealousy, it can torment and consume you, zapping you of all security and contentment. If you’re the partner of a jealous lover, your frustration at having to walk on eggshells and constantly reassure your spouse of your commitment can be maddening. Jealousy is not bad in itself. It is a feeling and all our feelings are ok; it’s what we do with them that can mean the difference |
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